"You're always you, and that don't change, and you're always changing, and there's nothing you can do about it."
— Neil Gaiman (The Graveyard Book)
— Neil Gaiman (The Graveyard Book)
I am me. I am the me-est me that I can be. Only I can be me. You cannot be me. He cannot be me. Neither can she. Only I can be me. I have always been me, and always will be me.
The me I am today is so very different from the me of a few years ago, but still very much the same.
That me was squashed into a box that was too small.
At some point I had to give it all up; the trying-to-fit-in, the living-up-to-other-peoples-expectations, the putting-myself-last-and-others-first... Give that shit up. The best day of my life, the day when I really and truly start living, is the day that I started living for ME.
If you're feeling stuck in Life, try it. Take a class without consulting another human being. Stop at the cute little bistro you keep driving past. Take the last piece of pizza. Say no when you are already busy. Follow the advice you give to other people, and be as gentle with yourself as you are with them.
That's the problem, you know; we hold ourselves to a higher standard than those around us. We think we should magically be able to handle everything Life throws at us and never lean on other people. We think we should always "Have it together". We should always be attractive, non-confrontational, never swear or raise our voices, always be pleasant...our lives shouldn't make other people uncomfortable. This, of course, is utter hogwash.
You are just as important as the person next to you whom you offer solace to; solace you deny yourself; encouraging thoughts you deny yourself. You are just as important...Nay! More important than that next person, for who is more important in your life than You?
After all, it's your life, and you are the only person qualified to live it. Remember that. Write it down and paste it on the wall if you have to, but remember it. Treat yourself like you treat others.
We are all a Work In Progress. We are all doing the best that we know how in this crazy life that didn't come with an instruction manual.
Be gentle with yourself and others. Celebrate your differences.
In love, Don't be afraid to cut and run. When a thing has run its course, do not stay just to keep others happy. Your soul will wind up suffocated then dead and rotting and spoil that common spring from which we all drink. When you hurt yourself you hurt All.
Above all, forgive yourself. Let me say it again...FORGIVE YOURSELF!!!
This new blog space is me forgiving myself. I made mistakes, but I don't deserve to be punished for them forever. I deserve to start fresh, and fully embrace who and what I am. This is me doing that.
I am a Work In Progress. I have Rapid Cycling BiPolar Disorder Type 1. My moods soar and plummet on an hourly basis throughout the day. It is exhausting, and it is not something anyone can see from the outside. I am not ashamed. I have tried several times to kill myself with alcohol and medications and done a good bit of damage to my liver and kidneys in the process. I am not ashamed. My medical team and I are working on getting my chemical imbalance stabilized with medication.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that affects my day to day living and prevents me from holding a job. I am not ashamed. My therapist and I are working it out and I am learning Coping Skills that better manage my symptoms (apparently breaking plates isn't an acceptable form of anger expression). I have Trigeminal Neuralgia, a debilitating pain condition that causes nerves in my face to misfire leaving trails of white hot lighting in their wake. I do not take medication for this since conventional pain killers don't touch nerve pain. I study herbs and alternative treatments and treat my pain this way (while being cognizant of possible interactions between prescribed and alternative meds.). I (and most of my famliy) suffer from Celiac Disease. Our bodies do not produce the enzymes needed to breakdown and process gluten. I am not ashamed.
I am the only liberal in my immediate family, and I am not sorry. I shall refrain from cramming my beliefs in equal rights for all, and humane treatment of animals down your throats, and only ask the same. I will not try to bring you to kneel before The Mother or The Father or dance round my fire on my holidays or for my personal spiritual observances.
I don't like to be around firearms as a personal preference, but if you are a responsible adult who has undergone extensive mental health screening and been approved for gun ownership, then more power to you.
I don't have it all figured out, and I don't pretend to.
I'm a Work In Progress. Just like my art. Just like this blog.
Just like you.